I love to eat at the restaurant at Bass Pro Shop. The food is great; I get to wander through the store and look at bears, turkeys, deer, etc. while waiting to be seated; and I get to watch the fish in the fish tank while I’m eating. On one of my visits I noticed a fish with a human face. He had a large nose that protruded from his body and a smug mouth. I have dubbed him the Snub-nosed Analrapist. Eric asked the bartender what his actual name was, and we discovered that he is actually called a Unicorn Tang. Well, if the fish naming authorities were just going to add “Tang” to the end of a short description for the fish, then why couldn’t I? I named several other fish in the tank.
The Unicorn Tang, aka the Snub-nosed Analrapist:
The Unicorn Tang is a sneaky fish that lurks around corners and strikes its prey when they least expect it. He doesn’t eat other fish. He violates other fish.
The Fat Ass Tang:
The Fat Ass Tang is quite large. He mostly likes to sit inside caves and not move. When he does venture out into open waters, he can be recognized by his morbidly obese shape, his black and white stripes, and his inability to swim like a non-obese fish. The Fat Ass Tang leverages two fins to swim, but not the correct two fins. He uses two fins located near his tail – one above his large body and one below. The fastest he can swim is about 0.0001 miles per hour. He is still faster than me.
The One Eyed Tang:
The One Eyed Tang fell victim to the Snub-nosed Analrapist. He wasn’t paying close enough attention and had his eye “nose raped” out of his face. He always keeps the Snub-nosed Analrapist within vision of his one remaining eye. He is a strong believer in the phrase “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.”
Note: For more information on the analrapist in its human form, check out the scientific documentary “Arrested Development.”
No comments:
Post a Comment