Bears

I know there are lots of different kinds of bears, but I’m going to focus on three types of bears: the black bear, the grizzly bear, and the polar bear. These are the bears that I feel like I understand the most through my extensive bear research. I consider myself a bear expert even though I haven’t studied anything remotely similar to “Bear Studies” (that must be a real thing right…like “Women’s Studies?”). I might be more of a bear enthusiast. The point is, the idea of a bear incites a level of excitement in me that is unmatched by anything else. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have a painting of a bear and a wine glass etched with a bear in my living room. I’d buy one of those fancy looking bear carvings (if you’ve ever been to West Yellowstone, MT you know what I’m talking about) if I had enough money to spend on expensive bear paraphernalia.

Before I get into the nitty gritty bear details, I’d just like to point out that grizzly bears are awesome and I have an imaginary pet grizzly.

Black Bears:

I don’t have a lot to say about black bears. They’re kind of mean. They will keep attacking you even if you are playing dead like a good bear attack victim.

Grizzly Bears:

In my extensive research about bears, which mostly revolves around the grizzly, I’ve learned that you should play dead and protect your head/neck area when being attacked by one. This isn’t groundbreaking news. I assume you already know this. However, if the bear is hungry and is trying to eat you then playing dead simply makes the bear’s job easier. I don’t think I’m qualified in determining the hunger level of a grizzly. So my request of bear researchers/park rangers is to provide a weight cut-off for bear malnutrition. If the bear is below x pounds, the guidelines should advise you to “run like hell!”

You’re probably thinking there are clearly holes in this plan. Bears come in different sizes. A smaller, healthy bear could fall into the “run like hell” category even though it shouldn’t. So, my new request is a BMI (Body Mass Index) calculator for bears. It will have to be quick to navigate, because bears are quick…and hungry bears are even quicker. This new guide could be sold at REI. I’m hoping that the makers of the bear BMI guide will do a better job that the creators of the people BMI guide. It would be unfortunate for a healthy bear to be classified as morbidly obese.

Polar Bears:

Polar bears are horrible. They will hunt people so that they can eat them. Polar bears need to understand that they are below people on the food chain. I will eat as many polar bears as it takes to make this point.

I remember a commercial for the LEAF (a car), that was all like “you should buy our car because it will be good for the environment and then fewer polar bears will die, and then a polar bear will come to your house and give you a hug…not eat you.” I didn’t buy into that commercial though. I knew why the polar bear was coming. It was going to eat the man that bought the LEAF. So, to me this commercial says “don’t buy a LEAF, unless you want a polar bear to track you down and eat your face, no matter where you live.”

Eric and I were discussing the weird shape of a polar bear head and he said polar bears are “heat seeking missiles of death.” I’d have to agree.

There is one other type of bear that I’d like to call out: the pizzly/grolar bear. You might think I’m making this up, but you are so wrong! It’s a mix between a grizzly bear and a polar bear. I don’t know whether to love it or hate it. I wonder what shape a pizzly bear’s head is.

Note: I have looked up the pizzly bear, but I don’t know that I trust the pictures since the appearance of this type of bear varies so much picture to picture.