Nail polish has a very distinct smell, even if it’s clear

I’m a very impulsive person, which is why I have a guitar that I can barely play (except Comfortably Numb, I can play the chorus over and over and over again) and an easel that holds paintings a kind person would call “niiiiiice” as in “Look at that. Look at what you’ve done there. That looks niiiice.”

I was going through a phase where I wanted to make movies. I know what you’re thinking: “that sounds cool” (or you’re thinking something dirty, so shame on you). But you’re wrong. Because you’re thinking that I’m actually making the movies. What I was doing in actuality was moving movies from my computer to CDs. I wanted to put them on DVDs and make nice little movie covers so that I could add them to my extensive movie collection.

I was lacking a key ingredient in the “movie making” recipe. I didn’t have the right software to burn DVDs in a fancy fashion. Brent had made me a DVD with his classy computer. He entitled it “Team South America” because it had both “Team America” and “South Park” on it. I still think this is funny and laugh every time I see it.

I went to the local Best Buy to pick up what I needed. When I got home and tried to install it on my computer things started to fall apart. It wouldn’t burn movies to a DVD. This particular software had one sole purpose in the world: to burn DVDs. And it could not do that. I don’t want to place all the blame on the software because my computer was on a downward spiral which would continue for 3 more years. But, the software should probably take most of the blame. The receipt for the software said something about not being able to return software that had been opened. I didn’t want it though. I wasn’t going to keep it.

I’m not proud of what I did next.

I consoled with Amrita:

Me: If you broke the seal on a box and you wanted to repair that seal, but you didn’t want people to know that the seal had been broken in the first place what would you do?

The box had one of those clear circles that cover the part you open so the store knows it’s been open.

Amrita: Huh?

Me: I have to return this.

Amrita: Hmmmmmmmmm

Me: Can I borrow your clear nail polish?

This was the most genius idea ever! I took several pieces of tape and used them to seal the box closed within the flap. You all know the drill – make a loop out of tape and it acts like double sided tape. I then layered on coat after coat of clear nail polish on the circle until I thought it looked reasonable enough to pass for an un-tampered with box (with a quick glance from a semi-close distance).

This plan was flawless! I took the bus to the mall and took my shameful walk from the Target (where the bus drops off) to the Best Buy. I began to doubt the plan.

I was sweating when I walked into the store. I felt like everyone was watching me and the security camera was following me (this isn’t unusual – I feel like I give off a “she’s going to steal something” vibe and the cameras follow me on a regular basis, probably not true, but it’s a fear I have to live with).

I made my way to the return counter which is coincidentally the furthest point in the store. The following exchange is forever engraved into my mind:

Me: I need to return this.

Store Employee: Is there anything wrong with it?

Me: No, I just don’t want it.

Store Employee: Why does the box look weird?

Me: What? (Slowly taking a step back from the counter as if to prepare for my escape.)

Store Employee: This smells like nail polish. (It was a girl. I should have found a guy employee, he wouldn’t recognize the smell.)

Me: That’s weird. (I was really starting to panic now.)

She began pulling away at the label. This revealed the tape inside. At this point I knew I was screwed. I had two choices: fess up or continue down the poorly designed path I created.

Store Employee: Did you open this box and then try to seal it?

Me: Somebody else must have had it before me…and then they returned it…and then I bought it.

She did not buy this. I could tell by the expression on her face as she continued to pull apart the mess I had made. On a side note: I don’t like lying and I feel like people can tell when I am lying because I’m so bad at it.

Store Employee: I can offer you store credit.

Me: And I will accept that.

I don’t know why I thought this would go any better than it did.