Look what I did!

I done good. I done real good.

I rip your chest off now

When we were younger Eric, Brent, and I would fill our summers with random challenges and games that we came up with. We’d often build stuff and go on adventures. When Eric got a little older he started going on my dad’s annual deer hunt with him. This left Brent and me to our own devices. Brent had just gotten a new remote control race car, and we decided it would be a good idea to use our sidewalk chalk (a staple of any cheap summertime fun) to draw a racetrack in the street. We lived in a housing development, so the roads were very un-busy and the drivers knew to keep their eyes peeled for children

We created a well thought out track that involved too many twists and turns for Brent to actually get his race car up to full speed. Nonetheless, he was enjoying himself. And I was having fun watching him try to stay in the lines of the thin lanes that we had etched out moments before.

In an act of spite, our next door neighbors who we regularly beat in water wars (the battles that took place between the two groups were far more intense that your run of the mill water fight) decided to take it upon themselves to destroy our creation and our fun. To be fair, the main instigator was actually a boy that was over at their house. But also to be fair, they provided him with the buckets of water and then joined in.

I was annoyed with what they were doing and attempted to scatter them like a wolf would its prey. Brent would then be able to pick them off one by one. I chased them in circles through our two yards. This is when the friend boy – we’ll call him Jeffrey – decided that he wanted to ruin Brent’s new toy. Something snapped. Nobody messes with Brent’s toys! My eyes grew wide and red with anger and I charged Jeffrey as he carried his 2^nd bucket of water intended for the race car (the 1^st one missed because he lacked the basic skills required to meet weapon to target). I did not lack the same skills that Jeffrey did. I approached him like a heat seeking missile, gaining speed the entire time.

When I hit Jeffrey, it was like a scene from a Discovery Channel documentary. Imagine a great white shark launching her prey into the air, but only injuring him, so that she could return later and finish him off.

I put both my arms out and struck Jeffrey with all the power behind a full speed sprint. Too bad for Jeffrey we had reached the end of the yard and were now in street territory. It was also unfortunate for him that he decided not to wear a shirt in the warm summer weather. He flew through the air and then proceeded to slide across the street on his bare chest.

The force behind my mighty shove left me in the street on my knees, which were slightly bloodied. Seconds after the incident unfolded, Jeffrey was sprinting to my neighbors’ backyard where the parents were. His entire chest was a mess. I’m sure you all have scraped a knee at some point in your life. Imagine if that scrape was deeper and if instead of it being on your knee it was on your chest.

I sat in the street with a few tears rolling down my cheeks.

Brent: Are you ok?

Me: Yeah. I don’t want to get in trouble.

Brent: He deserved it. And he’s not going to say anything. You’re a girl.

Me: Okay.

Brent: That was so funny! His was flying through the air parallel to the ground and his feet were still running midair.

Both of us: Hahaha

It’s a good thing that Jeffrey was a boy. If he was a girl, I would be concerned about his ability to nurse his future offspring. But since he’s a boy, he will just have some scars that he can make up some crazy story in an attempt to impress girls. So, it’s really a win win situation.

Ccoofe!

Recently, feeling a little goofy, I began calling coffee, ccoofe. Shortly after, I began to imagine a character in my head every time I referred to this wonderfully delicious beverage. I’d like to introduce you all to Ccoofe!

Ccoofe is the biggest advocate of drinking coffee. He adheres to a strict schedule of coffee consumption that he enforces to those around him. Ccoofe will resort to trickery to get others to consume his drink of choice. Ccoofe loves drinking coffee.

An update from the pond

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything…my life has been filled with tons of doctor appointments and weird occurrences that I’ll write about later…but it’s taken away from my precious time that I could be sitting at my computer…and it’s put me in a bad mood so I figured that any stories that I wrote would be angry rants and not funny or even fun to read.

Fortunately, I have been able to steal away enough time to make fairly regular trips to one of my favorite walking spots (since I still can’t run…booooo). I’ve been heading over to the pond to visit with my animal friends. And guess what!?!?! There’s new animals. It’s like the ducks and geese went to an animal networking dinner and were all like “we’ve got this awesome pond that you should all come visit…and there’s this amazingly awesome girl there that likes to stare at us all creepy-like and follow us around, but that’s ok, we like her anyway.”

Bun Bun the Bunny Rabbit

I’ve actually seen bunnies around before, but I forgot to mention them. So, we’ll just pretend that they’re brand new. I only see them for a split second usually, as they’re running into the bushes. After the positive reviews about me at the animal networking dinner, this little guy decided that I was trustworthy enough to pose all sexy-like for:

The Snake

A snake appeared out of nowhere one day during an evening walk and became increasingly more aggressive each time I passed. He seems to only appear at sunset, which means I avoid the pond post 7:30 PM. I read about water snakes online and learned that they like to spend time in trees…and the thought of him dropping from a tree onto my head is all the imagery I need to keep me away from the pond. I took this picture the second day I ran into him in the area I now recognize as snake territory:

Don’t get me wrong, I like snakes just fine…as long as they’re not launching an aerial assault on my face.

On a side note, the appearance of the snake meant that I felt the need to warn others who spend time at the pond. This means that I have now spoken to a fisherman that spends a lot of time there…which means I can’t live in my own little world while I’m at the pond. Since we’ve now spoken I have to acknowledge the fact that he does exist and make small talk as I pass by. This would be fine for most people, but my running/walking time is time that I like to have to myself with no interruptions or acknowledgment of the existence of other people. I’m coping better than I thought I would though.

Blue Heron

I didn’t know blue herons ate ducks.

Before you get all worried about the thought of this blue heron eating little ducklings as they nap by their mother…I’ll let you in on a little secret…blue herons don’t actually eat ducks! My old pal was acting awfully creepy though. When I took this picture, he was hunched over and slowly approaching a group of ducks. When they realized what was going on they took off running. I wonder if the blue heron gets invited to the animal networking dinners. Now I feel sad at the thought that he doesn’t. That’s ok – I’ll set up some dinners for just the two of us. We can talk about our love of creeping up on the ducks.

Ducks

My biggest supporters at the animal network must be the ducks. They have warmed up to me surprisingly fast. They now run up to me as I approach:

I didn’t think the pictures really captured the excitement that passes through the ducks’ little heads when they see me so I took a series of videos. Here’s one of those videos:

An ordinary person would argue that the ducks are being fed by people and they assume that I’m going to provide them with food. Seeing as how I have in fact observed this, one would naturally think that’s what would go through my mind. I have decided that they want to be my friends though. My dad tells me that there’s no reason I should believe otherwise.

I’m hoping they invite me to the next animal networking dinner as an honorary guest!

Duck, Duck, Goose

There are two places I regularly go running – down the street in front of my apartment complex (tree man territory) and across the street at a pond. The pond isn’t that big (hence pond and not lake), so I make a lot of trips around it. One thing that I dislike about the pond is the number of creepy dudes that seem to emerge from the office buildings surrounding the pond at running time. What more than makes up for that unpleasantness, is my many animal friends that live and frolic there.

Ducks

The ducks are skittish. Honestly all the critters are, but the ducks do enjoy some distance left between me and them. My favorite thing about the ducks is that they have baby ducks. Every spring a new batch of ducklings appears and I get to watch them learn to be animals. I’ve learned a few things about ducklings:

1. They like to be in constant contact with the momma duck. This means pushing and climbing as they meander through the pond.
2. They are confused. Always. Whenever I run by and the momma duck panics, the ducklings just scuttle around in the duck cluster they’re always a part of.

I also like to watch the drake mallards chase each other around and the see the pursuer get nervous when he realizes his proximity to me. It makes me feel powerful when the “tough” duck runs away. I like to feel powerful.

Geese

The geese and I have a complicated relationship. They love to stand on the sidewalk even though they have perfectly good grass and pond water all to themselves.

The geese are very vocal about not wanting me around. I go back and forth between allowing the leader goose to feel powerful by giving a wide radius in response to his warning hisses…and choosing to display my own dominance by staring him down until he backs off.

I like to think the interaction goes like this:

But it goes more like this:

Even though many of our interactions are hostile in nature, I think we have a perfectly healthy relationship.

But then again, I sometimes think they geese also came down to VA from NY (where I went to college). When I was in college I went for a run with a friend that was trying to start working out. We decided to run around a lake and ended up chasing some hostile geese. It turns out they were mamma and papa geese trying to keep us away from their babies. So, we stopped the pursuit.

But, I think my chasing of those geese stems from my childhood interaction with a goose at a farm. I was feeding him bread and he bit my finger. I guess no one ever told him not to bite the hand that feeds you. No more bread for him.

Blue Heron

The pride and joy of the pond is the blue heron. He swoops in and hides along the shoreline with his weird bending legs and awesome feather hair.

I have a little game I like to play with him. It’s called “Cristy tries to take Blue Heron’s picture, and Blue Heron flies away.” I’d like to think we’re both winners of the game. By the time I get my camera to picture taking mode, Blue Heron is flapping his wings. I always end up with a mediocre picture.

He’s been a little nervous around me since one of our first meetings, when I literally scared the shit out of him. That day, Blue Heron saw me approaching and decided he should seek shelter in a tree. He then proceeded to release his bowels from high up in the tree. On a side note, I really don’t think this is normal behavior for this type of bird. He looked really out of place perched in a tree because of his large stature.

Any day I see Blue Heron is a good day.

Dead Fish

Every now and then I see a dead fish floating in the pond. I like to look for it every time I make a lap around the pond.

I don’t really have much more to say about the dead fish.

Things I don’t like: creepy dudes

I generally manage to avoid them. Our only interactions are an exchange of stares: creepy stares on their end and an angry stare on my end.

About a month ago there was a guy coming in and out of one of the buildings. It appeared he worked for a carpet cleaning company. One lap around I went to swat a fly or do something of that nature and he thought I was waving I guess, because he started waiving at me. Each lap he was outside and ready to greet me.

Unfortunately, he built up the courage to speak to me. Near the end of my run he stopped me:

Guy: “Do you like to eat out?”

Me: (timidly) “Sometimes”

Guy: “Would you like to get dinner?”

Me: (after a pause and while making my “oh dear God, why is this happening” face) “Sorrrrrryyyyyyy”

Guy: “Oh you already have someone”

Me: “Yeahhhhhh”

Me: “Thanks though, that was sweet to ask” (Trying to end the awkward situation in the most pleasant way I could)

I don’t see carpet cleaning man anymore.

Ending on a non-creepy dude note:

Here’s what I have to imagine other people see when they observe me:

Soda Everywhere!

I was just looking through the pictures on my phone and came across this one:

Thanksgiving last year, I was trusted with buying all the supplies for the dinner preparation and treats for the day (my older brother was out of town and my little brother doesn’t live in the same location…he was just coming down for the weekend).

Because my legs work so fantastically well, I fell while bringing the 7 Up up the stairs at my apartment complex. The box hit one of the stairs and the end opened up, releasing half of the box through the stairs. Some of the cans managed to make it down to the bottom level and make a pretty big mess. Luckily the stairs in my apartment complex are outdoors.

I then texted this picture to my family with the caption “Cristy fell down.” At least that’s what I thought I sent…my phone autocorrected it to “Crusty fell down.” And apparently the picture wasn’t very clear on their phones, so I then got some confused follow up calls asking who/what Crusty was and what they were looking at.

Cristy gives herself a concussion

As documented here, I’m not so good at the sleep to wake transition process. This became even more clear in March 2011. I gave myself a concussion while trying to snooze my alarm clock.

I’m not an early morning person, but I have forced my body to adapt to very early wake-ups so that I can get to the gym and work out before going to work. Because I can’t do anything in moderation, this quickly escalated to morning workouts, lunch runs, and after work runs. Unfortunately, this all came to a screeching halt in July 2010 when I had to undergo knee surgery. The knee surgery resulted in a long rehabilitation period which meant I slept in past 5:00 AM each morning.

I’m now to the point where going to the gym is completely fine, but my body refuses to wake up in the morning. So, I’ve been working out later in the day. I still make a feeble attempt to wake up super early each morning, which just results in me feeling like a failure first thing in the morning…every morning. I hear the awful noise that happens a split second before the alarm goes off and instinctively spring up to hit snooze.

Luckily, I don’t rely on just one alarm to wake me up. I keep my cell phone at the end of my bed on a table so that I have to actually get up to silence the rings. It’s like a fun little obstacle course every morning, where the prize is more sleep. I’m very good at problem solving if it’s to avoid being awoken. I have the process down to a science.

1) Sit up.

2) Propel myself forward (on my left, non-surgeried knee).

3) Reach in a full stretch to the table to silence the alarm. This mirrors some sort of Pilates exercise.

4) Slingshot back to a sitting position.

5) Fall backwards onto my pillow.

I always thought that it was a slow, slouching motion that resulted in me being back in a sleeping position. But the events that unfolded on that March day have lead me to believe that I actually fling myself backwards at a rate comparable to that of a spaceship leaving its launch pad.

I had just snoozed my cell alarm clock and prepared to rocket myself back to sleep when something went horribly wrong. I wasn’t lined up with my bed. So, I ended up slamming my head, at high speed, against my nightstand. I immediately went back to sleep. Not so surprisingly, I didn’t remember what had happened when I actually woke up.

When I walked into the bathroom my nose felt like it was filled with liquid. So, I blew my nose. I was shocked to see blood pouring out.

Then I came to the realization that I had hit the back of my head and blood was coming out of the front of my face. I’m no doctor, but I know that this isn’t a good sign. I went about my day, and managed to survive – even though I did not feel that amazing – so I consider the results a success.